Tired of Music?

For the first time that I can remember, I am tired of music... I mean, I play guitar and djembe and a few other instruments and I just all around love music. But right now, I just don't care to hear anything. I wish I could try out complete silence for a while.

Last night I went to Vermillion with my room mate to watch a camp that he used to go to. They performed some skits and songs and it was pretty neat. I liked the idea of a camp where barriers are broken and people can be/share who they are, but I still see the emptiness of a camp without Jesus as the center. They talked about love and how it was great that they could build eachother up. Those are both great things and I am sure this camp will have been a good experience for them all. I just don't think it will be fulfilling in the end.

When it comes down to it, the things we want most, simply become the things we just got, and then we have a new set of things that we want... love in an incomplete sense like this is just one of those things. That is why we need the completeness of Jesus. Anything else falls short of our deepest needs and desires.

I long for a marriage partner and a family, but I know that even those won't make me truly happy. They will make my life more complicated and I will have more responsibility, but there will also be innumerable blessings as a result. I will be refined and sanctified for the betterment of God. I will learn how to better love my wife and children as time goes on, and ultimately I will be better able to understand God's love for me as a result. I look forward to this very much, but when I die, it will be just me and Him.

As I sat in the car on the ride home, it was dark and I was tired. I talked to my room mate for a bit (which I rarely get to do, so it was nice to share this time with him) and eventually I put my headphones in and listened to my "Relax" playlist on my ipod. As I layed back and tried to catch some sleep, I started to focus on God. It was sort of a half meditation, half prayer kind of thing. I was thanking Him, for the things I appreciated (oddly enough, music was on the list last night) and I began to think about dying. (Shortly after Curtis and I almost ran into a car...)I thought, "Lord, if we died right now on the road, if I were sleeping here and we got into a car crash, I would be with you right then!"

I am torn, a bit. I would love to leave this world and be with the Savior. But I still feel like I have stuff to do here. Not selfish stuff, like "Oh, I don't want to die yet because I haven't gotten laid," but I want reach people. I want to do worship ministry, I want to get married and have kids, I want to experience friendship (something I have just recently felt for the first time...) I want to thank God for all of the things that He is doing in this world.

But even still, if the Lord took me, I wouldn't put up a fight... Not that I could even if I wanted to. I wouldn't mind dying, but for now, I am still in my invincible youth stage...It's just hard to imagine a place like that. I am sure its better, I just can't wrap my mind around it...